Monday, October 31, 2011


"They told me to cheer up because things could get worse.
So I cheered up and sure as hell…
Things got worse”

Thursday, October 27, 2011


"TV is the little mirror in the budgy cage."
Martijn, over at UF Mike's

Wednesday, October 26, 2011


My sister LIsa and I, we had this huge fight a few weeks ago. Its left me with a guilty conscience, and a feeling that I am too focused on the problem.

I got an Email from a buddy a few days ago. It said “You could use a few of these” and there was an attachment. I opened the attachment and there was an Elevator Repair Form. I thought WTF is this, and looked at the questions on the form.

“I believe the damage was solely due to_____”
“What is the repair cost?”
“Is there any value to the salvage”
“Has a proper Preventive Maintenance program been in place for this equipment?”
“What, if anything, could have been done to avoid the damage?”

I looked at all the questions on this form (they reminded me of my Tenth Step) and I couldn’t help but think about my sister. And my friend that sent me the form, ol' Donnye, I knew he was vaguely aware of the fight with Lisa and I, and figured he was just trying to help or something. So I sent him back one of these… A Formal Apology form:

(click on image for a more readable version; it is hilarious)
So he sends me back an Email that says “HUH?” and I send him one that says “You sent me a PDF of an Elevator Repair form. If you want to know the details of me and Lisa, well, I don’t really want to talk about it.”
His reply? He said meant to send me this…I guess he’d been fishing that morning.

Anyway, we get so focused on problems and personalities sometimes.
You know what the solution is, the solution for me?
The solution is I don’t ever have to use any dope again.

Thursday, October 20, 2011


That’s the name of the next to the cheapest hotel in town and where I have been living for five days. Janice, a smiling toothless woman checked me in Sunday. Sunday night came a bad storm and I looked out my window to see a couple room-less guys in waterproof parkas and carrying backpacks, huddled under a Mesquite tree.
The next morning I got up and went down to the little dining area for the complimentary breakfast. The big plasma TV was set on the Trinity Broadcasting Network, and a preacher-man was talking about God’s Grace and how all our problems are already taken care of if we just, through faith, let that grace shine its glorious light upon our face. The two room-less fellows from under the Mesquite tree the night before sat at a table, out of the weather and sipping good hot coffee, eating bagels and Rice Krispees, oblivious of today’s message.
It was good to see they are not without a heart down at the Shepherds Inn.

When I pulled into the Shepherds Inn at 5:00pm Monday evening after work, the two room-less fellows under the mesquite tree had been replaced by two barefoot young women wearing cut-off britches and skinny little halter tops, and they smiled and waved to me as I got out of my truck. I nodded politely and ran upstairs as fast as my legs could fly.
They are not without anything down here at the Shepherds Inn.
But I think I will be smart to just stay in my room at the Shepherds Inn, and not go out for anything..
Just stay in my room.
Stay in my room.


"So the whole journey is about inverting the energy of seeking—which is always going outward, right? Even the seeking for enlightenment is an outward search: I’m seeking for something that’s not here. It’s not really that much different than seeking for money, fame, profit, wealth or acknowledgment. I’m seeking for something I don’t think I have …. so I’m pursuing it. That’s what an outward search means. You may feel like you’re looking inward to find it, but the movement is moving away from where you are to where you hope to get to be.

It inverts it to ‘Who’s doing the seeking?’
You can’t strive for what you are."

Image, Robert Doisineau, found on a book cover by Crashinglay Beautiful

Monday, October 17, 2011


I have a saying that goes like this:
"I love other people's cooking". And I do, whenever I can get it.
After being homeless for a few days now, doing my best Estragon impersonation, , making like Kerouac, Willie Nelson, and Tom Joad out on the road-I have a new one.
Wanna hear it?
"I love other people's Shampoo"

Man its great! You open up the shower and there are brands you never heard of. I used some kind of Jhirmack friday.  Saturday was a real nice Breck, and this morning was some kind of Tropical Breeze that has left my hair soooo luxurious and smelling lke a Pina Colada. Tomorrow might bring a nice Pantene for dry and damaged, who knows?
Do they still make Herbal Essence?
Whatever it is it will beat the heck out of my Suave.

Friday, October 14, 2011


Down at NA they have been talking, ever since I been there the last 3 and a half years, talking about how life eventually shows up at your door. And for 3 and a half years I wondered what they were talking about. I knew that they were talking about losing a job, or someone dying, or your house burning to the ground, stuff just over the level of the heartbreak of psoriasis.
But I wondered what it would mean for me when Life Shows Up At My Door while I was pleasantly going Hippity-Hoppity down my Little Bunny Trail..

Now I know.
Thanks God for Narcotics Anonymous, thank God for Sponsorship.
That’s all I really have to say about it right now and it may be a while before you hear from me again.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


So back in July the XMrs Bulletholes talks me into looking for a house to buy. I can qualify for a loan based on the fact that I have NO credit, because I have been a cash and carry kind of guy ever since she talked us into that bankruptcy and foreclosure and divorce back 15 years ago. But I take her advice, no matter how squirrelly it is because she always seems to end up being at least partly right, which is more than I can claim for myself, and because she always has my best interests at heart.

In theory I can find a nice little house for cheaper than that apartment.

I gave notice at my apartment and started the qualification process for a loan, which was supposed to take a week, but ended up taking 2 months which has forced me to move in with my sister.

My sister. I can’t begin to explain what kind of shock that is. She and I are light years apart, always have been. For about 15 years now all I watch is PBS News and Documentaries. Sure, I had a fling with Grey’s Anatomy for half a season, and in the early days of Desperate Housewives I had a real fancy for Brie; I may even have acted out on it a time or two.

But none of this could prepare me for sitting with my sister watching Millionaire Matchmaker, Jersey Shore and Breaking Bad. I stayed out last night, just to try to clear my head from all the suck TV I have been exposed to, but when I came home she gaily announced that she had recorded Dancing With The Stars for me, and we could watch it together. It was Show Tunes night, and the first one seemed to be the theme from The Dirty Dozen.
Or maybe The Great Escape.
I don’t know.
I don’t care.
I’m just worried about what might be on tonight.
God help me.

One: down to the road block, we've just begun,
Two: the guards are through,
Three: the Major's men are on a spree,
Four: Major and Wladislaw go through the door,
Five: Pinkley stays out in the drive,
Six: the Major gives the rope a fix,
Seven: Wladislaw throws the hook to heaven,
Eight: Jiminez has got a date,
Nine: the other guys go up the line,
Ten: Sawyer and Gilpin are in the pen,
Eleven: Posey guards points five and seven,
Twelve: Wladislaw and the Major go down to delve,
Thirteen: Franko goes up without being seen,
Fourteen: Zero-hour - Jiminez cuts the cable,
Franko cuts the phone,
Fifteen: Franko goes in where the others have been,
Sixteen: we all come out like it's Halloween.

Major: And kill every officer in sight.
Franco: Ours or theirs?
Major: Well, start out with theirs.
Bulletholes: I'ma smash the TV.

Monday, October 10, 2011


I dreamed I was looking at houses to buy. I found myself alone. From the closet in the master bedroom came a low throaty growling sound. I stopped dead in my tracks. I listened intently, and there it came again, a low rumbling “grrrr”.

I began to back slowly away, just like in the movies and again “ggrrrr”.
What strange beast could this be?
I turned and began walking towards the front door, and again but Louder now “GGGRRR!”
I opened the door and bolted through the front yard as fast as my feet could fly, but I could feel the hot breath on the back of my neck, and now the growl was deafening
I opened my mouth to scream and could not.
And I woke up clutching my sheets and found it was only my sweet lover, her face on my shoulder, snoring away.

Friday, October 07, 2011


I remember Bat Day at Tiger Stadium in 1967. The big white stadium was located right smack dab in the middle of Corktown, the old Irish community which originated in the 1840’s as a by-product of the Great Irish Potato Famine and more recently served as the local city slums. These slums gave the crackling ancient building a decrepit, medieval feel and once in the stands, with 10,000 kids banging newly acquired Louisville Sluggers into the concrete, and chanting ‘Who needs money- we want Cash” (Cash being the First Baseman Hall of Fame slugger Norm Cash) while the dust from the rafters and upper deck wafted down on your Lemonade and Ballpark Frank, and your dad hollered for the vendor to toss over some peanuts or Al Kaline Potato Chips.
For a kid like me, I imagined all that pounding and racket would be shaking that rickety old stadium right down into big pile of rubble any minute.

So now the Texas Rangers are up against the Detroit Tigers for the American League Pennant, and while I loved those Tigers when I lived in Detroit (even though that old stadium gave me the heebie-jeebies) I got the Rangers all the way baby!

Thursday, October 06, 2011


I guess the first one that comes to mind is Santana's "Europa" but if you want to dig a little deeper, and come up with the unexpected, then I'll offer to you this by Black Sabbath

I always wanted to do myself up in black light paint and dance around to Black Sabbath.
Hold it.
I think I have.
OK...who wants to make out and listen to Planet Caravan?

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

“Most of the hate mail came from schoolchildren”

It’s the birthday of devout fanatical agnostic astronomer Neil degrasse Tyson, who spearheaded the campaign to have Pluto downgraded from a planet to a dwarf planet. While he has received a lot of hate mail for his religious views, he received more for his action against poor Pluto. And most of the hate mail came from schoolchildren.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011


Things learned watching Ken Burns series on Prohibition last night:

By 1830, the average American over 15 years old consumed nearly seven gallons of pure alcohol a year

The word scofflaw came out of Prohibition. A contest was held to find a word that best described someone who continually flouted Prohibition laws. The prize was $200 and out of 25,000 entries, “Scofflaw” became the winner and stuck in the American lexicon. Interestingly enough, the neologism it was actually submitted by two people and the prize split!

A lady named Carrie Nation decided if the state of Kansas would not enforce its own 1889 Pre-Prohibition laws banning alcohol that she would, and went from tavern to bar and back again with stones she called ‘smashers”, destroying mirrors, barstools, bottles of whiskey and kegs of beer. In one day she was arrested four times, released each time by reluctant law enforcement without bail, her fines suspended! After she led a raid in Wichita her husband joked that she should use a hatchet next time for maximum damage. Nation replied, "That is the most sensible thing you have said since I married you." and from then on gained a reputation for "Hatchetations" She described herself as "a bulldog running along at the feet of Jesus, barking at what He doesn't like,"

You can go a long ways with a smile, but you can go even further with a hatchet and a bible.

"Somewhere in this world"

Fear is the cheapest room in the house

I would like to see you living
In better conditions,
for your mother and my mother
Were friends....

I know the Innkeeper
In this part of the universe.
Get some rest tonight,
Come to my verse tomorrow.
We’ll go speak to the Friend together.

I should not make any promises right now,
But I know if you Pray
Somewhere in this world-
Something good will happen.

God wants to see
More love and playfulness in your eyes
For that is your greatest witness to Him.

Your soul and my soul
Once sat together in the Beloved’s womb
Playing footsie.

Your heart and my heart
are very, very old


(For my sister...and everyone else in particular.)